Preheat to 425°

Pour 2 quarts Snappy Pappy'sä Non-alcoholic Eggnog into 1 quart bowl

Dab excess with white bread and fig leaves

Chill

Hunt for vanilla pudding mix (1989 or later)

Have some rum

Deheat to 350°

Search for non-brackish gelatin. Its got to be in there somewhere

Combine egg nog, pudding mix and gelatin in a "saucepan"

Cook over high heat until the blend starts to clot

Better make that medium heat

Have some more rum

Splash a little into the saucepan

A little more than that

Chill

Reheat to 387.5°

Whip a carton of whipping cream senseless. I mean, really let it have it

Fold completely, utterly whipped whipping cream into egg nog mixture

You heard me, fold

Run errands

Attempt to pry noggy amalgam from saucepan into a baked pie shell

Place in fridge, next to the left-over Kung Pow Chicken

Close door

Have some more rum

Chill

Catch up on letter writing

Open door

Remember to buy more beer

Remove pie, but don't look directly at it

Garnish with dressing of your choice

Serve to distant relatives

Don't send through the mail