A refreshing dip in the Pacific

3rd Quarter Report--

Re: Millington Flavors Diversified (for Nintendo 64 and Play Stay Shone)

Dear Cap'n:

Per your request written on the back of a November 7, 1999 "Far Side" cartoon (the one in which a member of the butterfly family is seated in a courtroom and is saying "I'm . . . I'm . . . well, you know!"), I have researched our investments for the Millington Flavors Diversified Mutual Fund (Nasdaq symbol: BIRDDROPPINGS), and have the following 3rd quarter report:

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Knives were up sharply, nails were hammered down.
Pencils lost a few points.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off, Sun peaked at midday.
Diapers remained unchanged.

All in all, our Bird Droppings fund . . . dropped. Still, by adding batteries and pop tarts, we hope to recharge our portfolio for the fourth quarter (and for overtime, if necessary).

As you can see, our investment diversity leaves us well positioned in case of Asian flu or Indian thigh rash. Also, our boys down on the 12th floor tell me that this Y2K thing is just a frat prank--a derivation of the old "freshman mind f*ck" with the computer rollover concept taking the place of the dead cow. Despite this company's collective shoe fetish, I have great confidence in our future, and I pray to hell that our bonus this year will cover my debts at the track.

Chief "Otto" Parts (Mrs.)