Whilst you tie your shoes, thou moonest freedom

In which Lawyer reveals the true nature of the Späten Song unto Everyman
who reverse engineers the electric toothbrush with dire implications
and hilarious results (a Harris Poll shows).

"Damn the Rotarians and their allegiance to quality floor coverings. They may have bested me with their Turkish shags. They may have quashed me with their antiqued Sicilian marbles. They may have thwarted me with their smoked oaks, deco linoleums and Iroquoian sandstone. But they'll never take away my H-Bomb. No siree! Sammy... my coat. The kid is stepping out in style tonight."

Even while Everyman's tirade trumpeted through halls of the sacred library, Lawyer's unrivaled ability to ignore him served him in good stead. He had just finished translating the ancient mystical manuscript of the Aztecs and set straightaway to burning Everyman with magic fire. Everyman applied aloe to his flesh that was, more or less, engulfed in raging flames. That shut him up. That and the 400 lb. Icelandic paralegal Lawyer had hired to remain handcuffed to Everyman. He sat politely and set a good example.

"So long, sucker," chortled Lawyer, "keep the memory of the original cast of M*A*S*H. alive. (I've just had a mental 'episode' featuring Sally Kellerman in an advertisement for Daisy Air Rifles, so I'm doing my part. Unfortunately her legs were gruesomely broken by a nearly rabid Davey Lopes, but I think he just needed a solid nappy-poo)."

Lawyer put on his trademark purple fez (which was met with great objection by Lawyer, but hey, he'll wear it and like it), plunked down on his '66 flying carpet and glided out the window. He was never heard from again (which was met with great objection by Lawyer who insists that he is owed three months back pay. He can shove it.)


Oh, uh, by the way... here's that new anthem of ours:

Späten O' Späten
Not caring how youse were gotten
Thoust have spoiled me rotten
Since seit 1397


The main idea of this story is

Everyman is a frustrated carpeteer.
Lawyer is a master of the black arts and community property.
Lawyer is a master of the balck arts and tort reform.

Which of the following floor coverings did Everyman NOT bitch about?

Smoked Oak.
Turkish Shag.
Deco Linoleum.
Neve Campbell.

Complete the following sentences.
Lawyer is fond of wearing

Lawyer smote Everyman with

Sally Kellerman appeared


Given that we've learned nothing about the origin of the Späten Song and -- if not for the deft moves of the legal team (who effectively dodged a false advertising charge) -- almost avoided presenting the song itself during the body of this story which was about... the friggin' Späten Song! ...Excuse me. Given these circumstances, tell us how YOU think that the Späten Song was discovered. Where did Lawyer find it? How did it come to be the cornerstone of Rubber Bomb patriotism? Write down your ideas and mail them with 3 non-sequential ten-dollar bills to the address listed in the "About" section. We just may use your story. (see note)

• • • • • • • • • • • • • •  About the Rubber Bomb  • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

The Lobby of The Rubber Bomb
to The Rubber Bomb Lobby


NOTE: Claim made about using submitter's story is hogwash and was suggested for entertainment purposes, only I ain't smiling. All cash sent is non-refundable and becomes the legal property of the Rubber Bomb's creditors (if they catch us). Make sure you scrub your face and hands and don't talk back to your mother, you animal. Any loss of sanity or the use of your senses while reading the Rubber Bomb ain't our problem and maybe you should get a job. Hows about that? Hey, I work for a living pal, and the last thing I need is some freeloading wannabe hack trying to bleed me for my hard-swindled money. Get yer own racket! This one's about as thin as the rail they're riding me outta town on.