ATRIOM
AND WAGGONEUS
The very first musicians
were the Gods, who had a strong union and a top notch health plan.
Pallas Athenas invented the flute, but she was tone deaf so she used
it mostly to chuck at owls. Hermes invented the lyre, and used it
mostly to chuck at Pallas Athenas.
When the mortals first
stumbled upon music, early reviews were disastrous.
- In the deep woods
upon the Thracian mountains,
- Callow Orpheus
threw open his croon-hole
- And made a dreadful
racket--like two yaks dying.
Not long thereafter,
Atriom, daughter of Pancreas, learned to play the shepherd-pipe, and
Orpheus' folly was quickly relegated to page 2. Atriom made sounds
so melodious that she reminded the Gods of a young Brian Wilson. Everything
animate and inanimate followed Atriom just to hear her play, provided
there was adequate parking.
One day Waggoneus,
on shore leave from the Argo and chock full of whiskey, heard Atriom's
enchanting music and followed it down to the riverbank. Waggoneus
found Atriom playing a space age love song for a flock of seagulls,
and was instantly smitten. Waggoneus whipped out his bow and quiver
and began shooting numerous butt shafts into the air. Atriom drew
near, but not that near, and Waggoneus declared his devotion.
- The Sun with one
eye may view all the world,
- But its golden
waves shine brightest on thy beak.
- Let's throw pies.
They were married,
but their joy was brief. Waggoneus started having trouble with his
arrows, if you catch our drift. Eventually Pancreas had Waggoneous
killed, tearing him limb from limb and drop-kicking his head into
the river Hebrus, after Pancreas discovered Waggoneus had bogarted
his favorite Grecian cigars.
- Poor wretch-- Birds
of calm sit brooding on branches
- Bulls and serpents
wander through meadows vast,
- Waggoneus is
tits up and he ain't coming back.
Also by this author:
- "Disgusting French Art Explained"
- "Nightlife During the Crusades"
- "Perversion and the Renaissance"
