From "The Ogunquit New Play Festival - 1993"

NO PANTS 'TIL SUNDOWN
by Thaddeus Quince

(ACT I - OBSCENE II)

• BAILIF
• Who's greasing the wheels of power.... We are! We are! Hooray!
• PUBLIC DEFENDER
• Awww phooey!
• PROSECUTOR
• Waitress, strike that from the record. And hold the ranchera sauce... preferably in a muslin sack over my head. I'd also like it noted in the transcript that the Public Defender made a "Nanny nanny billygoat" gesture at Juror #6 who began sobbing, albeit controllably, and blowing his nose without the use of a hanky, causing a delay in the proceedings. It was during this time that the Public Defender (or "Binky" as he's known to the waterfront shoeshine boys) had a "nappy-poo," followed by a professional shave and not-at-all-professional tub in the courthouse fountain. While my colleague across the aisle is not on trial here, I want these facts entered into evidence by the wait staff, because I cannot remember who IS on trial and what he (or she or both) is on trial for. I will now return to my Wolfgang Puck's Frozen Giblets 'n' Gasoline already in progress... and where's my peach iced tea dammit? JUDGE Point taken. This case is dismissed. I believe the club sandwich comes with fries.
• JUROR #2
• I've wet myself.
• WAITRESS
• FOUL ball! Who had the Creme Broulee?
• JUROR #2
• I mean, I've REALLY wet myself.
• DEFENDANT
• Someone wanna unhook me from this iron maiden? And can I get the Waldorf, no nuts?
• PROSECUTOR
• Oooh! Hot, hot hot!
• BAILIFF
• Anyone seen my pants? Anyone seen the pepper mill?
• JUDGE
• Can we get separate checks? I got a conspiracy case/tango contest at 2.
• [The ghost of Casey Stengel's talk show theme begins playing just as the short ribs are ready and begin circulating. Casey, always the fireball, falls asleep while flipping off the ghost of Mme. Curie who has begun popping and locking.]

Also in this collection:

• "A Swell Time Fishin' with Pop"
• "I'm Not Sitting Down, I'm a Mermaid!"
• "Abducted, Bound, Gagged, Alone and in a Coma"