Well, dust off the Zamboni and fry up another batch!

From "Conservation: Fact or Fiction"
by Harlequin Andersen


THE SPECKLED LOON CAMPAIGN (1984)

The speckled loon. It's wingspan bespeaks a majestic bird. It's distinctive decoration bespeaks a proud lineage. It's filthy hygiene and questionable driving record bespeaks a hazard on the state highways. The speckled loon is protected under the Americans With Disabilities Act (uh-huh... SURE you ruptured a disc [wink wink flap flap]) and is immune from prosecution for its repeated indecent exposure arrests and terminal jaywalking tickets. The speckled loon refuses to use recycled paper products and often soils morning newspapers by urinating on them after stumbling home at 5:00am from his all-night carousing. The speckled loon wants to be YOUR congressman from the 22nd district. This November, don't f---ing vote for the speckled loon, what are you, nuts?! Vote for the candidate who has integrity, decency... for god-sakes, he's got opposable thumbs. Vote for the candidate who can work a f---ing Playstation. Vote for, uh.... sh-t, what's his name? You know, the guy... that f---ing one guy. The one who's running against a bird. Yeah, that guy! Yeah, well vote for him. Well, say you're going to vote for him and then he WON'T be slipping in the poles... duh! He's (it is a guy, right?) the right choice, for congress.


Also by this author:

  • "Big Government, Big Environment"
  • "Buying Your Assemblyman on 5 Bucks a Day"
  • "How to Get Free Cable with Limited Loss of Hearing"


I'VE REALLY GOT TO TAKE THIS CALL